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:: Monday, August 06, 2007 ::

Did your band suck?

The Rules… (in no particular order, a love letter from your sound guy):

1. Shut the fuck up, seriously... if you wanna chat, see us after the show. We came to hear music not you. If you talk more than 3 times, you suck... However, it helps to at least let us know the name of your band.

2. Tune your guitar before you get on stage and don't do it again. If it falls out of tune during a 30 minute set there is something wrong with your guitar. However if for some reason you need to tune, do it muted... almost all tuners have this function, it's there for a reason... and do it during a break in a song or quickly in between...

3. Don't be a dick. I'm sorry no one came to see your band or that no one is standing up front... Berating the crowd doesn't help.

4. Drums. Drums require a top and a bottom head. Drums require tuning. If you do neither of these things your drums will be quiet and sound like wet mops. It is not the sound guy, it's you.

5. No matter how good you are no one wants to hear more than 30-40 minutes of you. You aren't that interesting. No matter what you mom/girlfriend says.

6. Try to write some different songs. The same song with different lyrics is not another song. Try to sound somewhat original... If you have a cd that sounds exactly like your band you are a cover band...

7. We saw you have merch for sale. If we haven't bought it yet... we really aren't going to. Don't beg.

8. Set up quick, play, get your shit off the fucking stage. No, really. Wrap your cables later.

9. Write a set list, think about it... try to make it flow and build. Write it down and give one to each of your band mates. "What's next?" is something we don't wanna hear.

10. No silence between songs… if you're not playing a song (with a break for applause), make noise or talk (shudder) but see rules #1&3. And please please please don't say you fucked up that last song, noone noticed.

11. We know you have a myspace page, seriously… No ones busting out pens to write it down. If you need people to know (and think they care), give them something to leave with. And please don't ever say www!

12. Singers, Listen: Learn how to use a microphone. Repeat after me, quiet = close, loud = far… near…………. FAR! Near…….. FAR! Trust me.

13. Singers with mic in hand: Don't cup the ball of the mic, it makes you louder, makes it sound like shit and makes it feedback. You don't look any cooler. I did see that issue of Metal Edge magazine you got that pose from though… I bet that soundguy was pissed.

14. Don't ask the crowd if you sound ok. Fuck you, I know how to do my job. If you sound like shit it's probably because your amp is so fucking loud I can't mix you properly. C'mon rock dog… turn down so I can make you sound good. Also, the full stack isn't really necessary anymore there are great combo amps now.

15. It's really not necessary to do a full sound check when you are playing in a room this size. I know the room and will have a good mix in about 20 seconds, trust me, I've done this before. Oh and turn down.

16. Turn your amp down to the lowest possible volume you can whilst maintaining your tone. If you are loud as fuck I can't mix the band properly and you'll sound like shit. Oh and why did you lug that HUGE cabinet out here if you want to go direct? It is funny watching you lug it around though.

17. If you're setup, don't play except for when your level is being set. We're not at Guitar Center. We're all very impressed. And for fucks sake, don't play along to the music. Seriously, it makes you look like an ass.

18. Our super fast sound check is to set the LEVEL of your instrument, we know the mics are on and work. Hit the drums like you mean it and don't turn your amp up later. See these big boxy things on the ceiling and that thing with all the knobs I'm standing in front of? That's a PA, let me use it. You'll be glad I did.

19. Do you REALLY need to hear yourself that loud in the monitors? You need your vocal onstage louder than the mains? C'mon… Oh wait, that's right, that amp is so fucking loud you can't hear your vocal over it… I forgot. Don't worry though, no one else can hear you over it either. Yeah, see those people waaaaaay back there (that didn't leave when you started playing) huddled the very back of the room holding their ears. Them.

20. This is the one rule of any PA system: Garbage in, Garbage out.

:: DJ 8:14 PM [+] ::
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